Tuesday, July 12, 2011
today, winter came. It had been looming for some time now but I came face to face with it today. okay I confess, winter was face to face with me all the time but today I had to finally awaken from this slumber.
It was paralysing. The winter made me want to lie motionless wherever I went. But work. Work today was a miraculous anesthesia, especially when it was my last day of work. The parting emotions of a last day at a meaningful experience helped. There, for a few hours in the cheery company of colleagues and exchanging words of gratitude, was some make-believe that the winter could be subdued. But, a foldable umbrella in a torrential storm, the umbrella cannot hold. Of course you might say too that the storm passes, but I am talking as I sit within the winter storm now.
is it useful to understand how winter arises? I think winter requires no explanation. Winter is akin to the consumption of poison - a natural beckoning for which parties are blameless and there is no need to question. Nobody needs to ask why the abused child sees vengeance, why people consume drugs, why we walk into the seemingly complicated.
I reread an old thought of mine, where I asked with some foresight, "what shall I fill into this gaping hole". Not endeavouring any answer, I think the predicted arrival of the winter today shows me the facet of me that welcomes and actively seeks out some pain.
This is merely an observation. Not a theory of anything. Yet curiously, I picture myself at the start again. It is a shady December. The dust tracks are lined with naysayers. I can't hear them clearly I think but the body language is unfriendly. Again, I ambled into the winter.
3:10 AM
