Friday, October 01, 2010

I am really living in my own world and I manage not to be affected by people's problems very much. That must make me such a cold person. But I certainly was a happier and nicer soul in my IP days. Not that life was such a breeze - we had so much work and the bulk of it was project work and knowing myself, two things happen - either I do so much work because I can't accept anything less or I don't get emotionally involved at all. Things are so much simpler when we all work alone without the complications of one another's feelings. I must be weird to feel for inanimate things like projects and studies but not for people and friends.

But back to tables, it is so nice to have these tables because I think those gave me surprises like grace su, thea and may. I never liked grace su and I always thought some people you will never befriend although some part of you wants to get to know them no matter how you find excuses like, "they're too loud" or "she's not my type" but I think we are really scared that the other person does not want to be your friend. So imagine my surprise at finding a friend in her, no doubt one left with some unfinished matters like going to her house or being taller than her. But I am a good loanshark. I always am. So these surprises are few and far between because I am always better off in my own space. Many things have led me to think that i'm a hermit. I am so convinced now that I am not suited to be in any romantic relationships. I must be a horrible girlfriend. But I say this not in self-pity or a lack of self-confidence. I say this because of things that happen which just show me to myself quite clearly. People ask if I'm ok. I realise that it is a prerogative and expectation that people walking out of something should feel not ok. But why should I feel derailed? Because I honestly don't and could that in itself be such evidence that there was something fundamentally wrong with the relationship that started out? I must be such a myself person. So now two options are available to me: Either I must give up some of my space which I so dreadfully guard right now, or I content myself with being a spinster (but in this case i'm so set on being an enviable spinster).

Life is quite dreadful and not easy to comprehend. Some people never get it their whole lives. I am balanced nonetheless, with the promise of life but that changes nothing about the present. And I love to study. Honestly even though law is tough, I feel happy to know there's something to read and study. Being a student is fulfilling.

7:01 PM