Monday, May 24, 2010

I have been judging others for a long time, sometimes keeping my opinions to myself and at other times broadcasting and attempting to achieve imperialism of my opinion. I will avoid the question of who I am to judge others because who am I, in all honesty, to judge? Rather I want to come to terms with my guilt. It is a venus trap that I grew into as a result of my environment and it is a terrible, symbiotic relationship today that I have with this venus trap. For a long while, it has been too easy to forget that I am nurturing a silly weed in me since at every turn and dilemma where I contemplate the purity of dreams and emotions, some material achievement will ask me to turn away from my more humane pursuits that have very little to show for where my environment is concerned. Little by little everyday, I give in, my hunger for such achievement, as with the size of the venus trap, grows and I am thoroughly consumed.

And so I build my life. My life is a nasty, short and brutish one of 19 years plus I live here hence the material achievements are mainly academic. I should give myself a pat on the back as I have done well as far as you could perceive, and will probably continue in a trend as my venus trap and I become better and more resembling mirrors for each other. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this model and I estimate it is self-sufficient in the endless cycle of dilemma-achievement and I can live my life like this. If not for Guilt.

I am guilty of not being alive. This, I want to distinguish from "having a life". It is too easy to have a life. I need only be accommodating, have a wide social circle, have fun at parties and bars and take numerous pictures to upload onto Facebook. I have my life and better still, the results to show for my efforts to quash the bitter accusation that my life is controlled in a Venus trap or that I am a Nerd. So I can certainly go forth to produce these results and when the dissent about how I live is silenced, I once again have the all important achievement. My guilt stems from the people who killed the Venus Flytrap. These people are in complete disregard of who I am, what I have achieved or what I will continue to achieve because they are more concerned with being alive. They overlook all that I am and for this I hate them but a part that is not yet consumed respects them. They may be penniless, volunteering in Africa, forsaking a higher education and pursuing something very useless such as a dream in helping others but I hate to admit how deep this respect goes, and therefore the guilt that it awakens in me. The guilt at nurturing the venus trap, meeting expectations, settling into the average and peeling my eyes for the next milestone around the corner to enable my record to be in full view of others (not the people who made me guilty, but others.) at all those opportunities instead of having a go at being alive.

I am very guilty. Perhaps too much so to turn around because what would this make of the parts of my body that had been eaten, synchronised and romanced into the Venus Flytrap? Hence I conceal my smallness with all that I am but even then, I know I cannot fool those people who made me blameworthy.

Re-examined, life is perhaps about chemicals, DNA and neurons except that we could be a little proud to agree. However, I want to look at my guilt under a microscope as frequently as possible, and at those people who made me feel so. In this, I will then try to construct something a little more trustworthy for myself from these chemicals, DNA and neurons in an effort to nurture something else.

5:23 AM